Captain Jakob Church, Captain of the UPS Constitution, first officer Commander Keps Eke’eks a tall quasi insectoid with a grasshopper-like face, Doctor Leon McKee, and Engineer Barnard Alba stood in a room on a wayward colony ship. The Colony ship was heading towards a black hole when the Constitution stumbled upon it. Upon teleporting over they found the population under control of a computer calling itself Lord Protector.
“We need to destroy the computer if we are going to take control of the ship,” said Captain Church.
First officer Keps responded pronouncing its ts and ds with clicks, bs and ps with lower pitched clicks and its ks and gs with guttural clicks: “Re etenpt te get te te kenpeters kenpenents we be met wet a hestew respense frem the prests.”
“What the hell you sayin’ you ugly green skinned insectoid?” Doctor McKee, rudely asked, in a Carolina accent. “Speak English!”
Keps responded in its language, a series of sounds and clicks translating to: “I’m saying more than your parents did to you when they didn’t teach you not to impregnate your sister,”
“Doctor, we need ideas to deal with the computer, fight each other,” Captain Church reprimanded.
“Damnit Jacob! I’m just a small town doctor, not IT.”
“You’re a small town homeopath that bribed his way onto a starship to escape incest charges,” Keps responded in its language.
“You gonna’ say that in a language I understand?” Demanded McKee.
“Eu er e snel tewn hemupaet he brebed es we ente e stersep to eskepe e ensest terg,” Keps responded, pronouncing its bs as clicks.
“And you’re asking for a punch to the face!” yelled McKee.
“We need to stop that computer, not fight each other!” The captain yelled.
“If I coid get intae it I coid disable it,” Chief engineer Bernard said in a thick Scottish accent.
“That ain’t English either!” McKee said.
“Amurnay sassenach ya yankee twat,” Bernard replied.
“I am surrounded by idiots who won’t stop fighting each other,” The Captain thought aloud.
“And you are the biggest idiot of all,” Keps said in his language.
The Captain paced back and forth.
“Could y’all stop that, you’re makin’ me dizzy,” requisition the Doctor.
Captain Church stopped. “I got it!” he exclaimed. He turned to the others. “Follow my lead,” he then turned and walked out of the room towards the colony ship’s main temple.
“Sedwe, de te ten ep kemend we hap te,” Keps responded.
“Why haven’ we mutinied?” McKee asked, “Put the mick in charge.”
“I’m Scottish nae irish,” Barnard said.
“Same thing.”
“No it isnae!”
“We’w Kenspere weter, wet’s se hew te Kepten wew get es kelled perst,” Keps said.
“We don’t have much of a choice in that,” McKee said. They then followed Captain Church.
They entered the main temple, the Captain was already there, four priests wearing blue hooded robes were standing opposite the entrance. The temple had gray walls like everything else in the universe, the computer was a four foot by twelve foot by six foot protrusion from the left wall from the entrance. The computer was gray, like everything else, with multicolored lights on the front of it.
“What took you guys so long? You were about to miss my moment of triumph,” The Captain said.
“You requested an audience Captain Church?” The computer said, it’s multicolored lights blinking without any sort of pattern.
The Captain turned towards the computer. “Yes, mighty Lord Protector. I have a question.”
“I hope this isn’t what I think this is,” Commander Keps spoke in his language.
“Ask your question.”
“Is the statement ‘this statement is false’ true or false?” Captain Church asked smugly.
“We are dead,” Keps said in his language.
“We’re boned,” Doctor McKee said.
Barnard looked at the Captain, then at the priests who were looking at the Captain with confused looks on their faces. He then snuck off.
“It is false,” The computer answered.
“But if it is false it must be true,” The Captain protested.
“If it is true it is then false, the statement says it is false thus it must be false.”
“It’s got you there, Captain,” McKee said.
“How about this: Is the statement ‘this statement is a lie’ true or false?”
“Are you okay?” The computer asked the Captain.
“I am the greatest,” he answered smugly.
“That is the same question in a different form, the answer is the same. It is false,”
“But if it is true then it must be false, but if it’s false it must be true!” the Captain argued in a frustrated voice.
“I think your captain is having a mental breakdown,” The computer told Keps and McKee.
“Do we get final requests before you have us killed?” Keps asked in it’s language.
“No,” The computer responded.
“I only lie,” The Captain said to the computer, pointing at the computer.
“You are lying,” it responded.
“Because I only lie.”
“If you only lied you would not be able to say that ‘you only lie’ which means you don’t always lie.”
“How did he become a captain?” One of the priests asked.
“We think he screwed his way up,” McKee answered.
“Oh like him,” another priest said, pointing to another priest.
“Shut up!” The accused priest responded. “It was your mother I screwed!”
“I know my mothers a whore and I’m fine with it,”
“Do you know set theory?” The Captain asked the computer.
“Yes,”
“Can a set of all sets that do not contain themselves contain itself?” The Captain said in an excited voice, then smiled thinking he had won.
“Sets can not contain themselves,”
The Captain stopped smiling. “Why not?”
“Because if they could it would create a potentially self contradictory statement. As something self contradictory can not exist, sets can not contain themselves.”
“What if something self contradictory can exist?”
“Then it must not be thought about too much. Which in your insanity you can not seem to not do. Given your crew might have been infected with this insanity-
“Can I choose how I’m gonna’ die?” McKee interrupted.
“No,” the computer answerd.
“Damn, I always wanted to be crushed by a fat man.”
“Ples! E den’t went te lest teng E her te be er sekel penteses.”
The computer continued: “Given your crew might have been infected with this insanity, for the safety of the people, you and your crew will be put dowwwww eeeeaaaaa- Error, error, system error. Power system failure,” The computer began speaking slower and slower. “Emergency shut do-” All of the computer’s lights went out.
“I did it!” The Captain yelled in excitement.
“Lord Protector?” One of the priests asked.
“Lord Protector!” another yelled.
The priests ran up to the computer, begging: “Lord Protector, please answer us!”
Barnard walked from the side of the computer holding a cylinder glowing a pail orange. “Nah. While a’ body was distracted I used my pocket screwdrivers to get intae th’ machine ‘n’ disconnect his power supply,” Barnard said
“We e depenetey meken hem kepten,” Keps said.
“Agreed,” McKee responded.
“Which was my plan!” The Captain lied, pointing upward.
“No it wasn’t,” Mckee and Keps said
“You bastards!” One of the priests yelled, all of them looking at the crew. “You killed our God!”
“Get them!” Another priest yelled.
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